This post is dedicated to the rough draft of my project 3. This is a post speaking to the audience about specific pieces of the essay and parts that may not be completely perfect.
Here is my rough draft!
This is a very rough draft, so I know there are specific points I need to go more in depth on, but all the basic information should be there
Strengths?
The first couple of paragraphs are the more detailed ones because I spent the most time on those and I feel like my supporting evidence is a lot stronger than the counter arguments. I also edited my intro heavily so i think that piece is very solid.
Weaknesses?
I definitely need to fix the counter arguments and how they are not as good as the solution given. I also need to work on making my conclusion extremely strong so that I can end on a better note. Also, I would love for some help on a creative title because I definitely don't have a good one right now!
Hi Seinna! I like how your essay is coming so far. Firstly, I think that you hit most of the criteria of project 3. I was just wondering if you could clarify which approach you're taking.. is it a bad idea is bad and you don't like Barbie, or are you saying that their new change to more body shapes is a good idea? I just was a bit confused on your take on the project!
ReplyDeleteI thought that your rough draft is pretty detailed. It looked as though you had most of it done, and you are still writing a little more and just piecing it together. I think that you should re-read it and have someone edit it for simple things like the tense of verbs that you use and just a few sentences that are confusing at first.
I thought your sources were credible and you used them effectively, however I only saw a few sources. I think that it will be a good ida to maybe add some more and expand on your works cited page.
Overall I think you have a great idea and its coming along nicely! Good job!
Hi Sienna, So first of all I wanted to say that I like the topic and I'm sorry for coming back but you were one of the few essays done so far. As before, I really liked your intro paragraph. One suggestion I would make is to maybe go further in depth when explaining that barbie sales plummeted. We have no sources or ideas of how much they plummeted which could help out your logical approach. This is my main recommendation, which to sum up would be just show us sources of the plummeting sales and to elaborate on them! Great essay so far there :)
ReplyDeleteSienna,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is very strong and has the perfect tone to guide your essay! All the details from the first two paragraphs also help to establish your credibility as a writer on this topic very early.
As for a title, the first thing that came to my mind is " I am not a barbie girl... but I do live in a barbie girl" (or maybe use "We" instead), as a play off the song.
Your essay is coming along really nicely! The only suggestions I have are:
1. Expand on the bridge between the last body paragraph and the conclusion. I thought the switch between these was a little abrupt because I thought you were going to continue with another body paragraph.
2. I would change some sentence structures so that it is easier to pick up what type of argument you are writing. It seems like you are going in the "a good idea is great because...", but you also have so much information, you could turn this into a "suggesting solutions" argument paper, and it would be just as effective.
Hope next week goes smoothly! Great job so far!
Lol, whoops. Meant "I am not a barbie girl...but I do live in a barbie world"
DeleteSIerra,
ReplyDeleteLike the other posts I think your introduction is great. One thing I would recommend is sticking to the genre conventions of a standard college essay. One thing I noticed is that I can not tell if it was in MLA or APA format which is something that should be distinct. I think you should be in MLA for this essay so look up those conventions on PurdueOwl.
Good Luck
SIerra,
ReplyDeleteLike the other posts I think your introduction is great. One thing I would recommend is sticking to the genre conventions of a standard college essay. One thing I noticed is that I can not tell if it was in MLA or APA format which is something that should be distinct. I think you should be in MLA for this essay so look up those conventions on PurdueOwl.
Good Luck