Editorial Report 13a

This post is one of two posts dedicated to revising a piece of my rough draft to make it more appropriate for my final draft!

Here is my rough cut:

People across the nation have been fed up with the body negativity that comes with Barbie dolls. Many claim that little girls are unable to have a positive role model in Barbie because her proportions are so unachievable. As previously said, there are also main controversies that back up this claim, showing that people are truly skeptical about Barbie. Because of these multiple controversies and more progressive thinking about body positivity, Mattel’s sales began to plummet. In response to these controversies and plummeting sales, Mattel has come up with a solution. On January 28th, 2016 Mattel announced the addition of three new types of Barbies that are to be sold across the country labed “tall”, “petite”, and “curvy” on March 1st in 2016. Mattel says Barbies will now be sold with four different body types, seven different skin tones, 22 eye colors and 27 hairstyles with the addition of these dolls (Pearson). 

Here is my revised cut:

People across the nation have been fed up with the body negativity that comes with Barbie dolls. Many claim that little girls are unable to have a positive role model in Barbie because her proportions are so unachievable. The multiple controversies that have been a part of Mattel’s history back up this claim, showing that people are truly skeptical about Barbie. Because of these multiple controversies and more progressive thinking about body positivity, Mattel’s sales began to plummet. Their sales decreased by 4% in 2015 and their stock price fell 45% from 2013. In response to these controversies and plummeting sales, Mattel came up with a solution. On January 28th, 2016 Mattel announced the addition of three new types of Barbies that are to be sold across the country, labed “tall”, “petite”, and “curvy” in stores on March 1st in 2016. Mattel says Barbies will now be sold with four different body types, seven different skin tones, 22 eye colors and 27 hairstyles with the addition of these dolls (Pearson). These large changes are ones that are promoting body positivity for all young girls, changes that are good for the public rather than bad.

1. How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?
   Overall, I basically edited the paragraph for content material as well as overall formatting editing such as tense usage and grammar. I also added a statistic that I thought would better enhance the fact of Mattel's sales plummeting. This content is communicated more effectively because I feel that the paragraph now has a good amount of sustenance.
2. How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?
   The biggest piece of form that I edited was I added a conclusion paragraph to the paragraph because without that paragraph it sounds very abrupt and not as powerful. This allows for the reader to feel as if each paragraph is fully ended and completed, making a stronger form.