Editorial Report 13b

This is the second post dedicated to the editing of the rough cut, hopefully in this post I can make another paragraph stronger!

Here is the rough draft of one of my supporting arguments:

Starting with the young kids, the new Barbie dolls seem to have an overall positive effect. In a Buzzfeed video, the new dolls were exposed to young girls and boys and the results were extremely positive. As a first reaction to the dolls, many of them were confused at first because some dolls were taller or shorter or bigger, but then they became excited as many claimed “this one looks just like me”. One girl in particular even commented on the fact that the new curvy Barbie doll was important because “some people don’t look that much like” the past Barbie dolls (Pittman). Another group of girls done for a TIME study by Dockerman had different reactions that prove why these new Barbie dolls are much needed. Little girls in the group would call the “curvy” Barbie “fat”, pointing out the fact that she didn’t fit in with the other dolls. This reaction is somewhat surprising because even at such a young age, these girls see the differences in Barbie dolls as a negative, naming them “fat” or “chubby” (Cauterucci). This reaction shows the importance of this solution. In order to get young girls to understand that all body types are beautiful, there needs to be more body types available for Barbies. Young girls have responded with positivity to these new dolls, excited to play with dolls that they can better identify with. These new dolls seem to be overall positive for the children that they seem to affect most of all.

Here is the re-edited version:

The new Barbie dolls seem to have an overall positive effect on the young children who play with the dolls the most. A British study done in 2006 showed that young girls who were exposed to Barbie reported lower self esteem, for their body specifically, and a desire to be skinnier versus young girls who were not exposed to dolls or exposed to dolls with larger body types. This solution of the new Barbie dolls is hoped to combat this. Because girls who were exposed to dolls with larger body types showed a higher self-esteem, the new Barbies will also be predicted to have this same effect because there is no unattainable standard for beauty (Pearson). In a Buzzfeed video, the new dolls were exposed to young girls and boys and the results were extremely positive. As a first reaction to the dolls, many of them were confused at first because some dolls were taller or shorter or bigger, but then they became excited as many claimed “this one looks just like me”. One girl in particular even commented on the fact that the new curvy Barbie doll was important because “some people don’t look that much like” the past Barbie dolls (Pittman). Another group of girls done for a TIME study by Dockerman had different reactions that prove why these new Barbie dolls are much needed. Little girls in the group would call the “curvy” Barbie “fat”, pointing out the fact that she didn’t fit in with the other dolls. This reaction is somewhat surprising because even at such a young age, these girls see the differences in Barbie dolls as a negative, naming them “fat” or “chubby” (Cauterucci). This reaction shows the importance of this solution. In order to get young girls to understand that all body types are beautiful, there needs to be more body types available for Barbies which is exactly what Mattel has done. Young girls have responded with positivity to these new dolls, excited to play with dolls that they can better identify with. These new dolls seem to be overall positive for the children of our country, the demographic they seem to affect most of all.

1. How did the content change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the content is being communicated more effectively in the re-edited version?
   Overall, the content changed mostly because I added another study to the paragraph to make the overall paragraph seem stronger, gaining more evidence as to why this situation was a good situation. This helped to communicate my point better because it added another piece of evidence.
2. How did the form change (even slightly - details matter!) when you re-edited it? Why do you think the form is presenting the content more effectively in the re-edited version?

          The form changed slightly because I made the conclusion and introduction sentences stronger than they were before and far less confusing. When an intro sentence and conclusion sentence are confusing then they often look like a less powerful essay.