Local Revision: Wordiness

This post is a part of the revision process for Project 1, focusing on wordiness.

Here is the original wordy paragraph:

It was a day where the wind nipped at your nose and the clouds seemed to tell you to go back inside, threatening rain. A single white-picket sign glinted in front of a local PetSmart in Banfield on the 23 of January, 2013 reading "Don't Over-Vaccinate your pet! It kills!". The man holding it? Dr. John Robb. An owner and licensed veterinarian of a Banfield Pet Hospital in Stamford, Connecticut, he stood in front of the PetSmart to protest against the over-vaccination of pets that he claimed his own company in doing. With a warm breath of air passing through his lips, he fights for his job and his beliefs that his own practice is wrong in their practices. He's been distributing a lower dose of vaccinations to those pets who are smaller because he believes the bigger doses is hurting the animals. Just weeks before this cold, January protest, he was threatened to have his licensed removed and banned from PetSmart and his own pet hospital for giving his clients a lower amount of vaccines than accepted by the American Veterinary Medical Association. This protest and Dr. John Robb's practices has sparked yet another large debate on the vaccination of pets that has been going on for decades. His protests and letters to clients have raised more questions to the medical world and to pet owners alike. Who do they trust with their pets? Is there any evidence to back up John Robb's claims?  Will Dr. Robb ever be allowed to practice in the veterinary field again? Are pets being over-vaccinated?

Here is the revised paragraph:

It was a day where the wind nipped at your nose and the clouds seemed to tell you to go back inside, threatening rain. A single white-picket sign glinted in front of a local PetSmart in Stamford on the 23rd of January, 2013 reading "Don't Over-Vaccinate your pet! It kills!". The man holding it? Dr. John Robb.

An owner and licensed veterinarian of a Banfield Pet Hospital in Stamford, Connecticut, he stood in front of the PetSmart to protest against the over-vaccination of pets that he claimed his own company in doing. With a warm breath of air passing through his lips, he fights for his job and his beliefs that his own practice is wrong in their vaccination dosages.

Just weeks before this cold, January protest, he was threatened to have his licensed removed. He was also banned from PetSmart and his own pet hospital for giving his clients a lower amount of vaccines than accepted by the American Veterinary Medical Association, sparking the age-old debate of over-vaccination.

I often write in flowery words with a lot of restated sentences and extra words, so this was probably a good task for me complete. This revised version is easier for the audience to read as far as line breaking goes and it also gets the point across without stating too much or too little information. I was wary of deleting too much, however, because I think the original paragraph does have a lot of sustenance that needed to be kept.

Narcisco 1. "Words". January 2015 via Pixabay. Public Domain.